Love Letters ect
by BlueBlood359
Summary: These are letters written to me from Edward. Completly mindless. But hilarious non the less. READ IT! I didn't write them tho, one of my friends did, she like me, loves the books and thought it would be funny..... it is.
1. Chapter 1

Dearest Bella,

I have been alive countless decades. But the longing to see you is frightening but sexy. I know I have been evasive with countless trysts with Jasper and Emmett, and have almost died while in the midst of his felching, but this does not matter. I, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen XVIII, love you and want to marry you. You do not realize the pain I am in. When the sharp tingling in my pants yearns for you, I have to quickly find a bathroom. I want you so badly, you have no clue. Steve couldn't keep my away, Ethan couldn't keep me away……..even the guy with no chin couldn't keep me away. You mean that much to me.

There have been countless times when hookers have invaded my front doorstep, but none of those hookers looked like you.

Okay, Bye.

Love you always, Edward


	2. Chapter 2

Dearest Bella,

Forget about those whores! They are beautiful, as are you. But I only care about what's on the inside. Yes, what is inside your shirt and pants.

I want to be honest, Bella……..I want to felch you. I want to felch you until it hurts. I want to felch you all night long, on front of your friends, family, and co-workers. I want to get them all jealous. I want them to want me to felch them.

People don't believe 'felching' is a word……. But it's first grade!! I felch you felch he she me felch. Felchology, the study of felching? How do these people not know such a beautiful and powerful action? All I want is to see you in an emerald green baby doll, bumping and grinding against Steve and the other Steve. You in the color of gayness turns me on. Don't believe of you shan't. But I know the thing in my pants does. It controls my brain. It makes me want to hump my brothers into oblivion, to shatter there stomachs.

I feel as if a Bouncing Betty has flown up and detonated my testicles, yet since I am practically made of stone, the searing erotic heat turns me in. I love it just as much as I love felching.

Toodles!

Edward A.M. Cullen (A.M. stands for felching in the morning)


	3. Chapter 3

1Dearest Edwidge,

I want you to be mine. I wan you and you Bouncing Betty. I want you forever. I want that explosion to happen in my pants.

I can feel that explosion happen every 28 days... sort of like a cycle. It is called your "period". I know you used to get it when you were alive, going pee like crazy, draining yourself of blood. I think that is why you became a vampire... you gave up on your blood too quickly, with you period happening every day! I felt so bad when you told me that.

Anywho, I see that you have fallen for that preposterous boob, Bella Swan. Well, I myself have fallen for a boob---- his name is Matthew Schaffer, he had big boobs himself, but not as big as mine. I an queen of the boobs!!!! YOU HEAR ME?**QUEEN**

But enough about my fin parts...lets hear about yours, shall we? I heard that when the doctors were trying to perform a vasectomy, your testicles overpowered the vast stability of the stainless steel, tearing them in half. That is turning me on right now.

As for those hookers, you tell them that none of them can perform felching the way I can. You tell them to remember my name: Queen Timberlina Fawn Jean-Claude Banana-Hammock Wendell FUBAR Rodriguez Ferguson the XXXVIII. I want everyone to remember this gorgeous name.

But most of all, I want you to remember the felching process. You made me pass out from all the screaming and yelling and with your family watching it, it made it even more pleasurable. Can you say vampire orgy?

Well, ta-ta for now... I've got to load up on bronzing lotion,

"Timby" the Molester!!


	4. Revealed!

I just got the go-ahead to give you all the name of the REAL AUTHOR of all of these letters. So, I'm gonna hand the laptop over to her now so she can get her dues...

Hello, readers! So, just so you can understand, I wrote these love letters as a joke. I have no real thoughts of Edward being this unorthodox with his words. But the fact is that BlueBloods and I have a special bond with Twilight, and so I decided, being bored in 2nd period study hall, to write these letters to make all of my friends laugh, especially BlueBloods. We all shared funny memories, and half of the situations covered in these letters are things I learned in my history class (Bouncing Betties)? I have not written anymore, and the fact that BlueBloods shared all these stories with our co-workers almost provoked me to stop. They thought I was weird...as if! Haha, and there are plenty more love letters to be written. I may write back on Bella's point of view, considering that's a very large suggestion. Those of you who do not know, the action "felching" is a disgusting and vile sexual technique that I read about in Chuck Palahniuk's "Invisible Monsters" (verrryyy good book!!). For those of you with weak stomachs, stop reading now! I definitely mean it!!!!!!! Okay, you have been warned.

Felching is when a man and woman are engaging in anal sex, and the man shoots a load of semen inside of her anus. He then takes his lips and tongue and sucks out all of the semen and feces along with it. The kissing factor? It goes right back inside your mouth. Yeah, pretty gross, huh? All the boys we work with could not take this definition without shuddering and cursing us for giving them this information to possess. Even the one that I like!! Yep, I'm screwed with that, aren't I?

Make sure that if you still want to, read and review these letters. Hopefully I will be able to have a big hit, considering all of the stories I write are underground hits. _Your Guardian Angel_ is the one I am currently writing now, and this one is one that I actually hope to finish. If you would like, you may read the others I have posted. And I appreciate reviews!! Promise, I do! Any questions or comments, you may send my way. And for the letters, I hope nobody has been offended by Edward's disposition. He means no harm...to you.

Sincerely,

BellaNova.


	5. Chapter 5

1

Dearest Timberlina FUBAR Rodrigues XXXVIII,

Matthew Schaffer? Where is that boob?! I am so furious with you!! I don't think we shall ever speak again. The explosion in my pants is now as lethal as a fart: just smelly. What kind of name is Matthew Schaffer? If any name was good, it would be Princess Consuela Speedo In My Libido. Don't you agree?

My new catchphrase is "That is so felch"! Isn't it wonderful? When I eat hot peppers and scratch my "sausage", the "sausage" geta a whole new flavor. Would you like a taste? But it is a bad idea...when the acid reaches my testicles, I start feeling a burning desire, and not for humping. Which is why I use Aspercream. It helps calm the burning and itching of my yeas infection. All that felching gave me gonorrhea. Would you like a taste? Do I sound like a broken record? Also, I think im pregnant.

And another thing...stop talking so much. I'll have Brienne rape you if you don't shut up. I'll give you away to a stranger. I'll jingle my keys in front of your face while you howl like a wolf.

Well, I will see you later. This yeast infection is acting up and is giving me a rash...would you like a taste?

I got to make like a banana and split,

Your secret lover,

Felchmo

P.S. Until we meet again...


	6. Chapter 6

Edward,

I do realize that you want to jab your stick into my ignition and turn my engine on until I rumble to life. But I must remind you, that I am ashamed you are in love with another woman. I mean, Timber? Come on! Is that any wonder why you left me in the woods? I am so disappointed and ashamed in you!!

This is why I've decided to engage in a Cullen tryst. Why, may you ask? Because I wanted to get back at you with sexy justice. Furthermore, it seemed amazing that I would be able to have an orgy with the hottest people in Forks High School. Rosalie's curves, Alice's spunk, Jasper's lankiness, and Emmett's…well, Emmett's like a horse, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you do! You were the one who told me he was well hung after an experiment the two of you had, and that turned me on even more.

Besides, I couldn't have sex with you after doing it in the woods with Jacob! Dear Lord, he is a dog! I mean, I have bite marks all over the place, and NONE that I object to. It feels good knowing that fleas of revenge gnaw at my every private orifice.

I mean, after all the times of copulating that we shared! In the principal's office, Carlisle's car, Emmett's Jeep, Rosalie's M3, Alice's Porsche, Esme's sewing room, under Charlie's bed, by the river, on top of the trees in our meadow. You make me melt in my meadow. Grr, baby, grr…

Well, I must go. Mike's waiting for me in the line for Space Mountain. We're in Disneyworld, and you know how Walt Disney had subliminal messages put in every classic movie ever made from Disney? Well, you can thank Mike and I for giving him the ideas for that. He's such a wonderful felcher, but you will always be my first.

Love, Bella S.

P.S. My last name isn't Swan…it's Sexington. Doesn't that make you horny, baby?


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Edward,

So, it seems to me like you've finally settled down with that preposterous Bella Swan. That good-for-nothing, slut-faced, hoe bag with an ass full of glutinous fat!! Honestly, I can't believe that someone so beautiful and metrosexual as you would want a plain Jane wannabe! I mean, look at me…I'm gorgeous!! I've got yabbos the size of Kentucky, and a badonkadonk that just won't quit. Plus, I've been taking Hick-Hop lessons from Billy Ray Cyrus, and dancing lessons from Richard Simmons. I wear pink velour pantsuits and jazzercise. Face it…I'm AMAZING!

But I do understand why you would want Bella. I mean, you're a rock, and she's the hard place. You could never become flimsy…you literally can't. And if by some instance, you end up killing her, and having her shishkabobbed to your member, and then you'd have no choice but to live with me for the rest of eternity, having hot erotic sexual intercourse, felching me for all time, while Emmett and Jasper watch in envy, and then we have mutant babies and we raise them to kill spliced sheep….well, that'd be alright with me.

Love forever for eternity,

Queen Timberlina


	8. Chapter 8

1

Dearest Edward,

I never would've believed you actually getting married. Especially to that wannabe vampire. Take me! I'm an actual vampire, with boobs as big as my feet. You know that when you plunged your Prince Albert into my Fergalicious Duchess and Yankee Doodles. I saw the way the Cinnabon sugar cream leapt from your pole and straight into my heart. I even have your name tattooed on my love handles. It says: Can you _handle_ this? Oh Edward, I know you can. My little smigdy Edwidge. I love you more than Tila loves tequila. And we've made mad love...I know how good she is.

What I'm basically trying to say is...Please don't marry Bella. What can she do for you? Can she strip to the Macarena? Can she make her boobs orbit around her chest? No sir, she cannot. What can she do? I will tell you. She can make shitty apple pies, or crimp her hair crump style. Remember the orgies you had with Emmett and Jasper? I was right there, cheering you on when little Eddie couldn't perform. Of course, I was hiding in the closet, servicing myself many a time. I had to scream every time Emmett shoved his tree stump into poor little Jasper. Can Bella tell when a vampire cries? No? Really? Isn't that because they DON'T CRY?!

I'll find your church. You can't hide from me!! I'm Timber, greatest vampire of all! Kissing cousin of Tanya. And I'll find you.

You'll see.


	9. Chapter 9

Timber,

It's over. You have no say of what or who I do. You can't tempt me with your erotic text message poetry. I told you I loved Bella, or as I lovingly call her, Balls. And we don't make mad love, like you surely accuse me of. We make angry love. GARRRRRHHHHGGGHHHHHH!!

However, I must say, after I was caught l-l-l-l-licking Emmett's lollipop by Bella, and word spread all around Forks, you were the only one who could look me in the eye. But, I find it weird that nobody questioned me about the blowjob I gave him a week later. It seemed like me doing that would raise more eyebrows than stealing his DumDum pop. You were the only one who called me so I could make it juicy for you. And even though I'm getting married, I still think about you often. Why, after I lubricated your cleavage by dribbling my lips in them, attempting the motorboat, I knew that you'd hold a special place in my dormant heart. I still have a box full of your used condoms. I sniff them sometimes and cry myself to sleep on the inside.

Who knows? Maybe Balls will be the only woman for me. But who am I kidding? There's a place for two women in my seductive world.

Sexually yours (but not really),

Ed-Felch.

P.S. I make-a plunge into your hole! Let me see your beaver hole!


End file.
